Val Kilmer- Dec. 9th, 2000

Fallon: "Hi I'm Jimmy Fallon."

Fey: "And I'm Tina Fey. And here are tonight's top stories..."

Fey: "Let's begin with a recap of election news from the last twenty-four hours. Yesterday afternoon in a surprising decision, the Florida Supreme Court ruled in favor of Al Gore, calling for an immediate hand recount. This victory for Gore is regarded as the most shocking and ludicrous comeback since Bobby Ewing walked out of the shower on 'Dallas.'"

Fallon: "It's like a WWF Smackdown plot. You know the guy's all beat up he's down for the count, George Bush is talking about his transition team and then all of a sudden you see Al Gore's eyebrow go up 'Can you smell what the Rock is cooking?' Gore grabs a folding chair, whole new ball game.'"

Fey: "Then around four-thirty p.m. Judge N. Sanders Sauls recuses himself of any further proceedings and George W. Bush recuses himself in his pants."

Fallon: "Then around five-thirty, Republican Senator Orrin Hatch burst into flames."

Fey: "So now we're up to today at eight o'clock this morning the hand recounts start up again, then the Circuit Court rejects Bush's appeal, the Prime Minister of Israel resigns, no one notices, then this afternoon the U.S. Supreme Court got all up in it and stopped the recount. In light of these events, America is cancelled. Citizens are asked to choose between Canada and Mexico by 4 p.m. tomorrow."

Fey: "On 'Meet the Press' last Sunday, Dick Cheney warned that 'we may be on the edge of a recession.' Governor Bush has since asked his running mate, 'If it's warm enough, can we have recession outside?'"

Fallon: "Former President George Bush Sr. had his left hip replaced this week. The surgery was needed to relieve all the pain from the weeks of kicking his son Jeb in the ass."

Fallon: "During an interview this week on '60 Minutes,' Al gore denied that he was angry about the election, saying, 'Angerwhat would be the point of feeling that way?' Adding, 'Seriously. Tell me. I am fascinated by your human emotions.'"

Fey: "Following Dick Cheney's mild heart attack last month, beltway gossip suggested that Cheney might be replaced on the Republican ticket. Insiders were concerned that if Cheney were to die in office then George W. Bush would be President!"

Fey: "Benjamin Harrison Holocomb, the world's oldest man, died this week at the age of 111. Doctors say the official cause of death was 'cracking in half.'"

Fey: "University of Minnesota researchers said this week that the drug Naltrexone could be used to curb a kleptomaniac's impulse to steal. Although the drug is not covered by most HMOs, doctors say kleptomaniacs should have no problem obtaining it."

Fallon: "During a traffic dispute this week, a Florida motorist is alleging that O.J. Simpson reached inside his car and ripped off his glasses. Simpson is not only denying the allegation, he's vowing to spend the rest of his life looking for the real 'glasses-ripper-offer.'"

Fey: "Dr. Frank J. Orland, the man who discovered the relationship between bacteria and tooth decay, passed away last week, at the age of 83. His memorial service was attended by 4 out of 5 dentists."

Fey: "President Clinton Thursday granted a reprieve to federal inmate Juan Raul Garza, thereby postponing Garza's execution until next year, when it will be given to George W. Bush as a housewarming gift."

Fallon: "'New Scientist' magazine reported on Wednesday that in the future, cars could be powered by hazelnuts. That's encouraging, considering an eight-ounce jar of hazelnuts costs about nine dollars. Yeah, I've got an idea for a car that runs on bald eagle heads and Faberge eggs."

Fey: "I'm Tina Fey,"

Fallon: "And I'm Jimmy Fallon."

Fey: "Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow."