Tom Green- November 18th,2000
JF: "Hi I'm Jimmy Fallon."
TF: "And I'm Tina Fey. And here are tonight's top stories..."
JF: "In Florida tonight, the hand count continues and Republicans are accusing Democrats of changing the rules. Among the types of ballots that will not be counted for Gore: Indented ballots, ballots left completely blank, and ballots marked 'Bush.'"
TF: "Al Gore's offer Wednesday to resolve the Florida election with a statewide hand recount was rejected by George W. Bush, who said that such a count would be, quote, 'arbitrary and chaotic.' Bush then looked down and crossed two words off his vocabulary worksheet."
TF: "The recount is now focused on what are called 'chads,' the little pieces of paper punched out of ballots, and 'hanging chads,' pieces that aren't quite punched all the way through. When asked if officials should consider hanging chads, George W. Bush responded, 'Yeah, let's hang him! Who is he?'"
JF: "Earlier this week, Al Gore offered that if he wins the election, he would like to meet with George W. at his home in Texas. To which the Governor responded, 'Sure. Come on by! I live in a really big house, you can't miss it, right on the corner of Eat Me Avenue and Go Screw Yourself Boulevard.'"
TF: "Earlier tonight, Michael Douglas married Catherine Zeta-Jones at the Plaza Hotel here in New York. The entertainment at the reception was singer Tom Jones. The couple felt he was the perfect choice because like the bride, he is Welsh and like the groom, he is old and creepy."
JF: "Cereal maker General Mills is opening its own amusement park this week with attractions like the Lucky Charms Magical Forest, the Wheaties Hall of Champions, and the Fiber-One restrooms."
TF: "President Clinton visited Vietnam this week and, to balance things out, John McCain got high and made out with some British college girls."
JF: "On Thursday, Hillary Clinton arrived in Vietnam where she was greeted by adoring crowds. She immediately bought a hut and declared her candidacy for mayor of Hanoi."
TF: "In a 'Time' magazine article, Barbara Bush was quoted as saying, 'I was the mother of a President for thirty minutes and I loved it.' This came as new information to many who thought she was the mother of a President for four years."
JF: "Florida Secretary of State Katherine Harris has been all over the news this week. First she set a deadline for the recount, then she was overruled, now she's been stripped of her ability to certify the Florida votes. Katherine Harris hasn't gotten this much attention since spring break '77. Look at her, she looks divorced. She looks like the woman being cheated on in a Mexican soap opera. Katherine, honey, there's another setting on your make-up mirror. It's called 'daytime.' Check it out."
TF: "'USA Today' reported this week that an increasing number of young teens are engaging in oral sex and experts blame it on the Clinton-Lewinsky scandal. However, they never would have known about the trend if the kids weren't tattled on by a gang of school-yard Linda Tripps."
TF: "During an interview this week, Macaulay Culkin said that he is still good friends with Michael Jackson, stating, 'I think we understand each other in a way that most people can't understand either of us.' He then added, 'Basically, we both still wish I was nine.'"
JF: "China's state media reported this week that a thirty-seven year-old Chinese man had his damaged esophagus replaced with part of his own colon. Earlier today the man was quoted as saying, 'Does this taste funny to you?'"
TF: "For Weekend Update, I'm Tina Fey,"
JF: "And I'm Jimmy Fallon."
TF: "Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow."