Renee Zellweger-April 14th,2001
JF: "Hello, I am Jimmy Fallon."
TF: "And I am Tina Fey, here are tonight's top stories..."
TF: "On Thursday, the crew of the down EP3 spy plane returned to American soil. China however has not returned the plane itself. Chinese officials have told U.S negotiators that if they want to the plane back they will just have to go on Ebay and bid like everybody else."
JF: "According to the White House aids, during a stand up with China, President Bush did not rely on the advice of Vice President Dick Cheney. Bush, however was in constant contact with his most trusted advisor, his Magic Eight ball."
TF: On his trip to India last week, Bill Clinton dedicated a new girl's college named after his wife, Hillary. The former president offered his best wishes to "Frigid-Pear Shaped Harpy College."
JF: "Carol Dennis, a former back up singer for Bob Dylan, said this week that in 1986 to 1992 she and Dylan were secretly married. Dylan, however insists that the marriage was not a secret, it's just that whenever he tried to tell people they couldn't understand what he was saying."
TF: "In Washington last week, officials from the National Rifle Association met up with a group of two hundred high school students. There were no survivors."
JF: "Scientists this week unveiled the first human blood substitute, a synthetic fluid that functions like red blood cells. The product will be marketed under the brand name "I Can't Believe It's Not Blood"."
JF: "On Monday, President Bush wrote a letter offering his condolences to the wife of the missing Chinese fighter pilot. After Bush wrote the letter it was quickly given to experts translated, then it was translated in to Chinese"
TF: "Actress Tara Reid has indefinitely postponed her marriage to TRL's Carson Daly, Carson Daly dropping to number 3 this week behind a male model and crew guy from "Josie and the Pussycats"."
TF: "And now for our review of the new Broadway play "The Producers" is our own Jimmy Fallon."
JF: "Alright, thanks Tina. "The Producers" starring Nathan Lane and Matthew Broderick, yanno I couldn't get tickets to this thing it's like sold out for two years. But here is what I think it's about. Ferris Bueller comes out, Matthew Broderick comes out and he is like " I can't believe it. I am going to produce a play called "Springtime for Hitler", what's the point? It could be about Hitler it could be about Stalin, it still doesn't change the fact that I don't have a car. Chica, Chica, Oh yeah.". Then Nathan Lane comes out ,"We are going to produce, I am a producer, Hukana Matata, for the rest of your-". You can do this at home if you want."Hakuna Matata means no passing phrase, Hakuna... Matata!" Break a leg guys. See you at the Tonys."
TF: "The Bush family cat, Ernie, missing for weeks, turned up on Tuesday wandering Hollywood's Avenue of the Stars, coked out of it's mind."
JF: "Republican Jane Smith became governor of Massachusetts this week, making her the first pregnant governor in U.S history... that I know of."
TF: "Jimmy, how many governors have you slept with?"
JF: "Uh, I don't kiss governors and tell. Back to you, Tina."
TF: "Your a creep..."(laughing)
TF: "The FBI will install high tech scrambling devices to prevent people from picking up the closed circuit broadcast of Timothy McVay's execution. Which means on May 16th, some young man who thinks they are watching scrambles porn may actually be masturbating to a lethal injection."
TF: "Mariah Carey, last week a signed recording contract for twenty-five million dollars an album. The signing is a coo for the company. Although, Virgin Records will now have to change it's name to Skank Records."
JF: "The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences has apologized to audio technicians after Mike Myers made fun of Best Sound, and Sound Editing categories at last month's Oscars. Myers explained his action stating "(Bunch of gibberish)...baby."."
TF: "On Thursday, Harvey R. Ball, the inventor of the smiley face died, he is survived by his wife and two children."(2 walking signs).
JF: "For Weekend Update, I'm Jimmy Fallon."
TF: "And I'm Tina Fey, Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow"