Kate Hudson-October 14th,2000
JF: "Hi I'm Jimmy Fallon."
TF: "And I'm Tina Fey. And here are tonight's top stories..."
TF: "Despite explosive violence in the West Bank this week, negotiators remain hopeful that a U.S. sponsored summit could end the conflict. Israeli and Palestinian officials say they are eager to sign an agreement so they can dip it in gasoline, light it on fire, and throw it at each other."
JF: "During Wednesday's presidential debate, Al Gore pointed out that while George Bush is opposed to same sex marriage, his running mate Dick Cheney has much more liberal views on the subject. Bush replied that if Gore likes Dick Cheney's ideas so much, maybe he should marry him."
JF: "During this week's New York Senate debate, both Hillary Clinton and Rick Lazio said they were strongly opposed to a bill that would place a five-cent surcharge on e-mail messages. However, it turns out that the bill is an urban myth and doesn't even exist. The candidates also expressed their opposition to giant alligators in the sewers and their deep sorrow that Mikey died from drinking Pepsi and Pop Rocks."
TF: "The Space Shuttle Discovery was launched Thursday to begin building the sixty billion-dollar International Space Station. After the launch, an excited NASA spokesman commented, 'This space station will be the most sophisticated, technologically advanced piece of equipment we will ever lose!'"
TF: "Despite adding an extra hour this week, the 'Today Show' was not able to beat its competition, 'Live with Regis.' 'Regis' executive producer Michael Gelman explained, 'Even though Kathie Lee has left the show, we still benefit from her deal with Satan.'"
JF: "Responding to a bill being proposed in New York that would limit sex-related businesses in the city, Mayor Rudy Giuliani said he'd drive sex shops, quote, 'into the ocean.' Giuliani is backed by thousands of parents, teachers, and Aquaman."
TF: "An entire school showed up at a George W. Bush rally in Dearborn, Michigan this week to complain that their building is unsafe and they lack books and teachers. A sympathetic Bush promised that if elected, he'll take care of the students the best way he knows how: By executing them."
TF: "The producers of 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer' are reportedly talking with Britney Spears to get the singer to do a two-part guest appearance on the show. The two parts are above her waist and below her neck."
JF: "The rock group Phish surprised its fans this week with an announcement that they will be breaking up. No surprise is the immediate drop in sales of Birkenstocks, Hackey sacks, and one-hitters and the rise of sales of soap."
TF: "The producers of 'Seussical,' a ten million dollar musical celebrating the characters of Dr. Seuss, have delayed their Broadway opening three weeks to fix the show's troubled second act. A spokesman for the production said, 'We'll work out the kinks. We'll work out the glitches. We'll work out the schneezels and beezels and skwitches!'"
TF: "Country music star Garth Brooks announced this week that he and his wife Sandy will be divorcing after fourteen years of marriage. Rumor has it that Garth was angry that Sandy made fun of his alter-ego Chris Gaines and Sandy was angry that Chris Gaines was nailing Trisha Yearwood."
TF: "The supposed image of the Virgin Mary in the window of a New Jersey house disappeared Tuesday when the homeowner cleaned the glass, leading many to conclude what they have already feared there are no virgins in New Jersey."
TF: "Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow."